Today I received a print copy of my book The Nerdy Nurse’s Guide to Technology. And while I was thrilled to finally have this book come to a fruition, I was not quite prepared for the swell of emotions that overcame me when I began to flip through the pages.
But then again, I’m not sure that any author is really ready for the first time we hold a copy of our book. I think of all the hard work that went into this book. Hard work that was not only mine but many on an editing and publishing team. And also the high hopes that we all have that the book will be a great success.
As I reread the words that I had written some months ago I remembered all the energy, love and joy that I put into the book. I remembered the passion I wrote the words with and the desire I had (and still have) to help nurses be successful with technology and social medial. I also remembered many of the experiences that have lead me to where I am today. Many of those experiences involved my mother, who unfortunately is not here with us to celebrate her only child making this monumental accomplishment.
When I was growing up I was convinced that my mother had no idea what she was talking about. What she considered to be words of wisdom were often overbearing inconveniences to a strong willed little girl. I often wonder if she was a strong-willed little girl herself. Judging by my experiences with motherhood, your children repay you for the trouble you cause your parents. So I am fairly certain that she was at least a least a little stubborn every now at then.
As I get older I’m realizing that I’m slowly becoming my mother. I’m inheriting some of her positive traits and many of the negative as well. Even though I would have hated to be compared to a her as a teenager, now that I am older I sort of feel like it helps me keep a part of her with me.
She used to tell me the same stories over and over again. Stories that I often grew tired of hearing and would lash out at her when she repeated them for the 100th time. But now, that she’s gone, what I wouldn’t give to hear to her tell any one of them just one more time.
You never understand how much you truly need someone until they are gone. It’s been almost 4 years now. As the anniversary of her sudden and unexpected death draws closer the void in my life where she should be grows. Because as awesome an accomplishment this book is for me, it’s bitter sweet because my mother isn’t here to celebrate it with me.
I was always her trophy. Her window to the world. Her legacy.
So even though the the tears keep coming and I hurt because she isn’t here to share this with me, I can smile through it because I know that she would be so proud of me today.