Received 1st Copy of My Book: A Bittersweet Occasion

the nerdy nurses guide to technology holding thumb Received 1st Copy of My Book: A Bittersweet Occasion teenager technology tears social media social shopping sad parenting nurse writer nurse author nerdy mother mental health memories legacy late mother inconvenience Health happy growing god Emotional crying book authory accomplishment  Today I received a print copy of my book The Nerdy Nurse’s Guide to Technology. And while I was thrilled to finally have this book come to a fruition, I was not quite prepared for the swell of emotions that overcame me when I began to flip through the pages.

But then again, I’m not sure that any author is really ready for the first time we hold a copy of our book. I think of all the hard work that went into this book. Hard work that was not only mine but many on an editing and publishing team. And also the high hopes that we all have that the book will be a great success.

As I reread the words that I had written some months ago I remembered all the energy, love and joy that I put into the book. I remembered the passion I wrote the words with and the desire I had (and still have) to help nurses be successful with technology and social medial. I also remembered many of the experiences that have lead me to where I am today. Many of those experiences involved my mother, who unfortunately is not here with us to celebrate her only child making this monumental accomplishment.

When I was growing up I was convinced that my mother had no idea what she was talking about. What she considered to be words of wisdom were often overbearing inconveniences to a strong willed little girl. I often wonder if she was a strong-willed little girl herself. Judging by my experiences with motherhood, your children repay you for the trouble you cause your parents. So I am fairly certain that she was at least a least a little stubborn every now at then.

As I get older I’m realizing that I’m slowly becoming my mother. I’m inheriting some of her positive traits and many of the negative as well. Even though I would have hated to be compared to a her as a teenager, now that I am older I sort of feel like it helps me keep a part of her with me.

She used to tell me the same stories over and over again. Stories that I often grew tired of hearing and would lash out at her when she repeated them for the 100th time. But now, that she’s gone, what I wouldn’t give to hear to her tell any one of them just one more time.

You never understand how much you truly need someone until they are gone. It’s been almost 4 years now. As the anniversary of her sudden and unexpected death draws closer the void in my life where she should be grows. Because as awesome an accomplishment this book is for me, it’s bitter sweet because my mother isn’t here to celebrate it with me.

I was always her trophy. Her window to the world. Her legacy.

So even though the the tears keep coming and I hurt because she isn’t here to share this with me, I can smile through it because I know that she would be so proud of me today.

Comments

  1. says

    Brittney,
    Congratulations on your book, again and again. And thank you, again, for being so honest and true.This is one of the main reasons I enjoy reading your work. You don’t hold anything back. You are you and you are proud of it. I can feel emotions in your words and connect with what you are saying.
    Yes, with every large ‘change’ mixed-emotions come into play. I was just reading something about this in my Reiki book. That even a success, such as your book being published and your energy and passion around it, there will always be these other less pleasant emotions that come with it.
    What I can suggest, and you can take it or leave it is this: you are doing the right thing. Feel those emotions, even the painful ones. Don’t let yourself avoid them, push them down, or bury them inside. That will only cause more struggle. Feel them, and then when and if you can, let them go. Know that your mom is with you and knows what you have done. She is SO, so proud of you. I am sure of it!
    Great post! Elizabeth

    • says

      Elizabeth,

      I have been wondering if this was a “normal” feeling. I think that I’m supposed to be ecstatic, and I’m super excited, but I’m still sad a little.

      I am so glad that you enjoy that I put my emotions in my work and I just lay it all out there. I honestly don’t think I could blog any other way. I put all of myself in anything I do. This doesn’t always work well in some areas of my life, but in blogging and writing it’s been amazing!

      And I’ll do my very best to endure and enjoy all my emotions, regardless of if I think they are ideal. Honestly, sometimes it’s just really good to have a good cry.

  2. chiquiraveloski says

    Hello Brittney,
    Congratulations on the release of your book. I have been a follower of yours and I am so very proud of you. I know your mother is right there with you giving you hugs and kisses every step of the way. Thank you for sharing this monumental event with us.
    Chiqui Raveloski

    • says

      Chiqui,

      Thank you so much for taking the time to read my blog and make this lovely comment. I’m always amazed when I hear that someone follows my blog. I mean, that’s the goal, but I always go “really?” :)
      I appreciate you saying that my mother is with me. I like to think that. :)

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