Being a punk rocker

I see all these cute, pink, punky things and bypass them these days. I can’t do that anymore after all, I am a mommy now. Its impractical, its selfish, its unprofessional. But when I tell myself these things, I still question if I really have that opinion or am I just convince that is the right opinion to have.

I have always tried to do the right thing. I spent two years working in a hostile work environment with mean ruthless nurses because I was doing what I felt was the “right thing”. But who was it right for? I know that I shouldn’t give in to bullying, but in reality, what was I protecting other than my bull headedness? Looking back I really couldn’t tell you. Did I think that their patients would suffer? sometimes I wondered, but they were usually content to cause mine to suffer. Did I think they would do it to another new nurse? Yes, and in fact I saw it on several occasions. But was it my responsibility to protect them? After all, who was protecting me. No one.

I know now that it was purely because I am bull headed and strong willed and if I feel that I am doing what is “right” I have a very hard time giving in. It also had alot to do with money. I surely made more to work that particular shift, but I also had to rake muck constantly.Patient loads were often high, acuity was often high, and help was low. 

I suppose that’s why I was a punk rocker for a short stent during my slightly rebellious teenage years. I needed to stand rebel, stand off, prove my point, and be seen for it. It was fun. I enjoyed it. But I am an adult and honestly, I feel like I have been for years. My soul is old. Childish things stress the mind and age the soul, and my soul has been an old fart for a long time.

I Do have this insanely gorgeous child, and a wonderful loving husband, a  fulfilling profession, and can pay my bills (most of the time!). Life is good.